Sales Horror Stories - Top 10 of 2005!

The following is 10 real life stories that will probably make you laugh but each share a very important lesson learned. Enjoy the humor but take lessons learned by each individual to heart and learn from their mistakes.

MEETING PLANNING MISERY
Joel Jumps on a Prospect Early in the Day

As an ISES member (International Special Events Society), our company provides event planning services for national sales conferences and yearly corporate celebrations.

I had an office at home in Denver, CO and this meant I was always working. I would call east coast prospects and clients before I went to work. I would do paperwork after I got home.

So I was a hermit, a recluse - none of my friends had seen me in six months.

One evening I was assaulted by phone calls from everyone I knew. What was wrong with me? Had I given up on bars and all the good stuff that came inside them - music, beer, women?

So with the threat of total abandonment by my buddies, I took a cab to the club.

I made up for six months of alcohol abstinence in one night.

It's 3 a.m., bleary-eyed and blitzed, I stagger into my home. Having programmed myself to do so - I wander right into my office.

I grab my phone and call my biggest prospect - a company that spent over a quarter million dollars on their yearly sales conference.

Sputtering and slobbering into the mouthpiece, I pitched him.

"Oh, please, you've got to buy from me. You're the biggest company I've ever called on. I can do a great job, I swear. Besides, my commission on this project would be beyond belief. Please use me for your event planning. We're the best. You've got to give me a chance."

I passed out on my desk. The screeching dial tone from the disconnected phone didn't even wake me up.

There was only one phone call the next day. I missed it as I didn't get to the office. It was the guy I had called. "Uh, Joel, I believe it was you that called my office at three in the morning. Please don't ever call me or our company again."

POSTMORTEM: So a prospect passes out of Joel's life as quickly as Joel passes out of consciousness. You have to figure that guy saved Joel's voicemail and shared it with everyone; "listen to this sales idiot." Perhaps that voicemail message is even floating around the Internet somewhere. You also have to figure that Joel wasn't going to share his experience with anyone. He didn't, that is, until he broke down sobbing out this story during the "confession session" part of one of my speaking programs.

Okay, so he didn't cry when confessing, but he did learn this lesson - rest is a
weapon. You Robert Ludlum fans will recognize that maxim from his best-selling novels that sprung from The Bourne Identity. You get stronger and better at what you do when you regularly back out of your business life to rest and recover. You can attack your market with precision and power; only if, and when, you have the energy to do so. To have to back off of business regularly and get rest and recovery. Managing energy could be more critical to success than managing time. You need those breaks from business. You also need to show some wisdom in how often and how well you mentally and phsyically leave your work behind.

For some great details on this concept, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND Jim Loehr's book on this topic, The Power of Full Engagement.

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Speaker with Great, Gruesome Tales to Tell... at YOUR national sales conference! Call Dan Seidman at 847-359-7860 (central time zone) or email dan@salesautopsy.com.
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HOLD YOUR BREATH, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SELL
Jason's office call is gruesome

I was standing in a London morgue and the doctor was doing what doctors do in morgues.

How did I get there? It's my first job selling for an American company in the UK. We supply a variety of voice recording equipment to businesses. So I'm normally pitching hand held devices to lawyers or call logging products for stock brokers. Then my firm introduces a new device that allows one to operate the equipment with a waterproof foot control.

So I'm with a customer in a hospital and mention this new equipment to him. He sits up in his seat and says this is perfect for a colleague. Cool, a referral. He then picks up the phone and arranges a meeting that afternoon. Very cool, a referral with a happy ending, a close.

This is going to be a breeze, so I duck out for a hearty lunch and then head back to meet my new customer. The physician is very interested and asks if I could set up for a demonstration and a trial use. With a spring in my step, I go to my car and grab the equipment. I'm shown to the room where I'm to set up - it's the morgue.

I'm asked to suspend the microphone from a lighting boom over an exam table and to place the foot control below the table.

At this point I'm still expecting a "dry" run. I was not that fortunate.

My prospect walks in wearing surgical greens, closely followed by his assistant and a porter pushing a body on a gurney. I fly through a two minute rundown of how to operate the equipment and he (gulp)asks me to stay while he gets the hang of it. I know I can cope with anything, I'm adaptable, so I tell myself, "No worries, I can handle this."

The sheet is drawn back and he starts his work. No way I'm watching this!

I find a point on the wall to fix my eyes and begin to answer questions. As I relax a little he asks me something about how waterproof the foot control was and if it would stand up to hosing down. I turn to answer and catch a full view of the body, with internal organs sitting neatly atop and around an exposed cavity.

The words for the answer never made it out of my mouth, but my lunch did.

I later managed to close the sale, although I can't credit my sales technique. We were the only supplier of this type of equipment.

POSTMORTEM: Jason launching himself and his lunch into his new sales career! He shared how he learned a couple lessons.

Prepare - I had foregone the questions about intended use of the equipment. Things were moving too easily so I skipped part of my sales process.

Celebrate - but not too early. Treating myself to a good lunch was instrumental to my downfall.

Dress for success - but don't wear your best suit in a morgue, the smell never did
quite disappear.

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MANUFACTURING MADNESS
Austin's Valve Problems Turn the Client in the Wrong Direction

Did you know that semiconductor manufacturers need ultra-pure water to make the highest quality components?

Well, I'm one of those salespeople who clean their water with my industrial water purification equipment. And I'm a rookie. And it's long enough ago that these semiconductors are being produced in Texas, USA.

A client called with a complaint about one of our components. It seems that the level gauge on one tank kept fluctuating. I went to take a look at this 26 foot tall tank. It needed a stable level of liquid for the manufacturing process to work. So with the twist of a few knobs I got it working properly.

I was a hero to a very large client!

Other engineering types rushed into this work area and after 20 minutes of head scratching and more knob twisting, three suits (management types)showed up. They began running around the water purification room looking at gauges.

I had cut off water to plant!

Over 200 people had to go home early that day. That was the last time I ever touched anything. By the way, the problem with the fluctuation was because another valve (not mine) had been put in backwards. Instead of correcting the error, the worker switched the control lines. We lost their next job - a HUGE project - in part because of my problem-solving skills.

POSTMORTEM: Austin said his lesson about equipment was this - don't touch it yourself. Make suggestions to operators who will know if a problem would develop. This story has a related lesson to it. The concept of a sales pro who is truly a consulting or advisory partner to the customer means that you are better having a line worker do the actual work. You can know how, but don't touch. Suggest that their insurance regulations might not allow it. But let the company do the work with their highly-paid personnel. So project the image of someone willing to get their hands dirty, and remain aloof enough to maintain your image as an expert who solves problems.

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NOT-SO-SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS
Claudine collapses on her call

With Christian Dior I sold very expensive perfumes and personal care products. And I was lucky enough to be good enough to land a job in Paris, France.

It was a wild existence - new culture, classy friends, classy clothes.

And then there was that product launch.

Our company was doing a world-wide introduction of their new tanning and bronzing creams.

As a key employee I was handed tickets to Tokyo, Japan where a meeting was setup with that country's top 30 buyers.

I nervously stood before a room full of these high-powered people from our industry -all women. My olive skin was their first exposure to today's product introduction.

I waved our wares over my head and excitedly shared how their customers would look more successful, more healthy by simply applying our new products to their skin.

Their faces were a sea of blank, shocked looks.

I was confused. Did they not understand English, after all? I switched to French.

And was immediately interrupted by the organizer of the meeting.

"Claudine, can you show us which products you have that can make our skin whiter?"

Big blunder! In Japan's culture common field workers had darkened skin. Traditional women of status were as white as possible.

You can probably guess how many initial orders we got from the group.

POSTMORTEM: Zero, right Claudine? This is a great blunder because it reminds us of the importance of doing our homework. There are great resources out there for you to check out your prospects ahead of time. Get some background data on where they were before their current job, what they like to do outside work and what kind of family they are part of. Google your buyers and you'll get some surprisingly powerful information. Oh, and try not to revert to those old school habits of doing homework the night before the test. Do your homework - straight As in sales translate into
top of the class earning power.

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EYE ON SALES
Tom Sees Prospects like Never Before

Lousy prospects! I'd headed to the Midwest on a ride with my Indiana/Michigan rep for some sales coaching during calls. The big prospect he had was a large hospital and the buyer had the secretary tell us he was not available. He actually hid in his office while she said he wasn't there. Were we to assume the coughing fit behind his closed door was a misplaced patient? Idiot.

"Okay, man. What's next? Let's cold call somebody."

My rep suddenly lit up. "There is a place near here we can visit."

And this is how I found out about Naked City.

This nudist colony was more of a club than a camp. The owner was extremely wealthy. We walked up a long, beautifully landscaped path toward a geodesic dome. The building was one-way glass, dark from the outside. Inside, a car that had belonged to Elvis sat in the lobby. This guy also owned a 707 jet that Hugh Hefner of Playboy sold him.

"Tom," my rep said. "Don't look at me. If you look at me I'll start laughing."

I had no idea what he was talking about until the receptionist stood up to greet us -completely nude.

The inside of the building was glass in every direction. We could see "uniformed" office workers everywhere - if skin could be considered an outfit. The most clothing we saw was a pair of shoes on a man's feet.

The owner's elderly mother (horrors!) invited us to sit down in the board room. The large table was clear glass, so again, you could see everything about the other person, except whether they wanted to buy or not.

Then, as if this whole scene wasn't memorable enough, two women and a man walked into a room behind our prospect and climbed on a large trampoline. I guess they exercised for lunch and I got to, or had to, watch while I was pitching our foodservice equipment products.

The mother and her kitchen manager placed a small order - hardly worth the gas and time spent for a national sales manager and his regional rep.

But you can be sure that memory is burned into my brain for eternity. And the story made the rounds twice at the company, circling a second time after our delivery driver made his visit.

POSTMORTEM: Interesting sales scenario. Unique; in fact, I get so many "thank God that didn't happen to me" stories that this might be just the opposite; "Gee, I wish I were there."

Here's a related thought to the tale:
Can you look inside someone without seeing the outside? One of your greatest skills as a sales pro is the ability to dig inside the mind of a prospect without being distracted by outward appearances. Keep your focus and zero in with good questions and you could sell anybody the shirt off their back (well almost anybody).

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Win the "Sales Noose" Poster! Confess your selling disaster relating to a close that backfired. If your story appears in the next newsletter, you're a winner. Imagine your friends saying, "Where did you get that picture over your desk?" Tell your story today by email at warstory@salesautopsy.com or visit the site (and see that poster!) at: http://www.salesautopsy.com/tell_your_story.html
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SELLING KNIVES AND FIRING GUNS
Dave's Prospect is Better Armed

Selling in the homes of consumers can be tricky and sometimes scary.

While experiencing this sales horror story I'm about to share, I had a flashback of a call where a young lady locked me in her bedroom because her ex-boyfriend was kicking down the door, jealous that she was with a man. I was a college student selling Cutco knives and, at 19, hardly qualified for the "man" label. But at least on that occasion a solid oak door separated me from harm's way. Though it did concern me that my knives were on the other side of the door.

Today I was a bit better at selling, though still a college student and still a fairly new student of Cutco persuasion skills. I was learning both how tough and enjoyable sales can be. Much more money and fun than, say, working in the school cafeteria.

So on a very cold, snowy night I'm calling on a young married couple in a depressed area of Lowell, Massachusetts. It's a classic picture of a home-based sales call. We're sitting at the kitchen table. At my right, in a high chair, sits a cute baby girl. Husband and wife, Axel and Judy, bracket me on either end of the table.

The call is going along just fine and friendly - until Judy begins to get excited about the cutlery. Axel imagines some big bucks flying from his pocket to mine and goes on the attack.

He starts insulting me and his wife as well. Axel says I'm a slick salesman and threatens Judy with bodily harm if she buys even a potato peeler from me.

I'm thinking I wish I were a slick salesman. And I'm also thinking that I'd witnessed my share of family fights. But this situation was much more animated and hostile than a normal argument over whether to spend exorbitant money on knives.

As Axel is raising his fist to Judy, the white knight in me decides to suit up and say, "Axel, Judy seems to like these knives and she's the one who spends most of the day in the kitchen."

Next thing I know, Axel is pointing a very large gun at his little girl! Just as he's about to pull the trigger, his arm swings toward me, centers it on my chest and BOOM! I flip backwards off my chair, thinking I'm dead. I stagger to my feet and scramble for the door, leaving knives, coats, keys and possessions behind. Diving through the apartment door, I could hear Axel laughing.

Once out in the cold, I realized that I hadn't been shot and Axel was laughing because the blanks he fired at me with had allowed him to get a free set of knives, and a perfectly-sized winter coat.

POSTMORTEM: Dave learned long ago that flippant objection-handling techniques can antagonize prospects. Rather than go into an analysis on why old techniques don't work well, you'd be better served today to check out Dave's new book Baseline Selling. I've known Dave for over 10 years and here he blends the simplicity of selling in the 50s with today's potent sales systems. Fascinating and useful read: And just in time to reward yourself with a holiday gift that can make you more money. See details and buy the book at http://www.davekurlan.com.

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SELLING MOM PLUS NEW BABY EQUALS...
Donna can handle it all - almost

My baby girl had filled her diaper and was screaming hysterically, so I pulled over my SUV and changed her in the back seat.

I was exhausted, all the time.

As a successful sales pro I'd barely given birth to my daughter and was back on the streets meeting clients and prospects.

I'd wake up early (after waking up throughout the night), feed my precious little one, pack a diaper bag, bundle up my baby and drop her off at a home-based daycare service.

That kid - dirty diaper - clean diaper juggling act in the car was making me late for my first appointment. I raced into the woman's house and practically threw my daughter and her diaper bag at the lady, then raced back onto the street to make my meeting.

Did I mention how tired I was? The only thing I did wrong was to give up my black purse to my daycare provider and keep my black diaper bag. Simple mistake could've happened to any fatigued, post-partum, full-time working mother.

The thing that was wrong about the thing that I did wrong was I realized it about 10 minutes into my first appointment.

Good Lord! That was a stupendous stink coming from my bag. I'm thinking "What a dummy I am. And what did I feed her last night?"

It was awful. I could not get in rapport with my prospect who must have felt assaulted by the smell as well. No sale, of course.

POSTMORTEM: This story reminded me how badly I miss changing diapers, now that my kids are old enough to fall out of trees. Most of you are probably familiar with the idea to be sensitive to prospect's senses - visual, auditory and kinesthetic. Did you also know that two other "representational systems" include the sense of smell and taste? Donna's story should help remind you to make your sales calls pleasant prospect experiences.

Listen for verbs that indicate whether your prospect prefers to look at his or her
world through eyes, ears or mouth. For a deeper understanding of this useful strategy, my book, The Death of 20th Century Selling will teach you more:
http://www.salesautopsy.com/book.html.

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BABY REP MEETS PROSPECTS WITH BABY
Ryan Grows up Fast on His First Call

First solo sales call of my life. I'm selling (well, trying to sell) life insurance.

But because I'm so excited and nervous I honestly am not sure that I even care if I make the sale. I'm just thrilled that I actually got an appointment.

Did you ever get a bad feeling when you walked into a prospect's place? Upon arriving at this appointment I immediately felt as though I was in the wrong room.

It was the dirtiest apartment I have ever seen. As I began to speak to the couple about life insurance - asking some basic questions - I found out the husband had "just had heart surgery last month... and wasn't expected to live long." So, not a good prospect.

Wow, this couple was only in their twenties. I never would have thought this condition would exist here. After explaining there was nothing I could do for him, I decided to find a way to salvage the appointment. I didn't want to upset my manager.

I started to work on the wife and she agreed to take a policy! Whew, I was going to make the sale! Now I was fired up. As we began to fill out the health questionnaire she mentions that she is pregnant. I was honestly stumped. I didn't know what the insurance company would do. We never talked about it in training. Was this a pre-existing condition? Probably, but I was going to get this application completed if it killed me.

So all the forms are filled out and it's time to ask for a check and I first congratulate her on her pregnancy. The couple looks at one another and dad says, "please do not congratulate us. We are giving the baby up for adoption."

How many surprises am I going to get on one call? I smiled and said "Well, I understand it is really hard, and expensive, to raise a child these days."

Mom replies "Yeah, and we are going to make a lot of money from THIS ONE!"

Huh? "What do you mean?"

She continues, "We got pregnant with the intention of selling our baby. A family is paying all of our expenses right now and giving us $60,000 for this kid! In fact we may want to talk to you about investing some of this money."

I could not believe what I had heard. It was like I'm on freaking JERRY SPRINGER! This is the JERRY SPRINGER show! I was so sick about what I heard that I decided to shake their hands and leave. I never spoke to them again. I threw the application away and did not take any money.

I learned a huge lesson from my first appointment: QUALIFY the prospects!

POSTMORTEM: Good advice from Ryan. Qualifying, and its evil twin Disqualifying, are the sources of more sales frustration than any problem you can find. Reason why? You head down the sales path with a bad prospect and you lose time, momentum and money which you can never retrieve. Decide today what makes a perfect prospect. This is great exercise with a sales team or a networking group. Decide also what makes an imperfect prospect.

Qualify and disqualify everybody - quickly - and you'll improve your closing
ratio - guaranteed!

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ARE YOU A SALES HOUND BARKING AT BUYERS?
Better not be - distinguish yourself from those dogs you compete with by learning unique, new strategies. What are the incredibly unique things that top sales pros do and say today to distinguish themselves from the mediocre? Call Dan Seidman to speak at your sales event at 847-359-7860 (central time zone) or email dan@salesautopsy.com.
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FLAT SALES
Gary's manager pumps up his presentation

I'm a poor rep for Pitney Bowes. I'm poor because I'm new at selling and today it really shows.

I can't afford a classy briefcase so I have one of those really cheap vinyl ones. I mean really cheap, too. The wood frame was, like, balsa wood - the stuff kite frames are constructed with.

It's one of those days when you have to travel with your sales manager. He either doesn't trust you or he's training you or he's in my car, hiding from his boss.

So I'm poor and cheaply outfitted and nervous as well.

We're out on calls and I'm re-arranging all the junk in the back of my car. I take out a smelly gym bag, my briefcase and company brochures and re-load it all into a somewhat organized pile.

As I pull from the curve a small thump and a crunch sound stop me. I look at my manager whose eyebrows are raised like mine.

Around the back of the car I bolt and pick up what was formerly a flimsy briefcase. It is now a splintered mess. Cheap wood sticks out of cheap, shredded vinyl and it's flat - like one of those cartoon characters after a steamroller crushes him.

"I can't believe this!" I cry, and dive back into the car with my ex-briefcase.

My manager grins and says, "Don't throw it out! We can use it. You're taking this into every prospect's office today. IT'S THE SYMPATHY CLOSE!"

So now I'm poor and cheap and nervous and stupid.

Everyone we met had a great laugh over my misfortune. The dead case served its purpose - it gained us rapport and a shot at future business with all my calls. Who would think that a dumb blunder could pay off so well?

POSTMORTEM: Gary, there's a great lesson here. The wisdom of your manager should inspire every sales pro out there to find a mentor. Look for someone who has been there, been beat up, and become successful in sales. Ask them to advise you. The mentor will be flattered and you'll be enriched by their wisdom and experience. Speak with potential advisors and ask for a regular meeting or at least a scheduled phone call to coach you. Find a mentor today - you will pay yourself handsomely tomorrow.

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CONFESS, CONFESS - You've done some stupid things in your sales past. Share them with our world of readers. Anonymity guaranteed. Tell your story today by email at warstory@salesautopsy.com or visit the site (and see that poster you can win!) at:
http://www.salesautopsy.com/tell_your_story.html
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A SALES MOMENT FROZEN IN TIME
Kathy's Prospect Represents Fresh Meat

I met Dan Seidman of SalesAutopsy.com at a program he did in San Jose, California - and all of his stories brought memories flooding back to me about my early days selling financial services for Bank of America.

Anybody was a prospect, whether I met them at a chamber of commerce event or pulled them from our bank database or was referred to them by existing customers.

So I don't recall how I landed this prospect but the experience, for me, is frozen in time.

Have you ever been to a meat packing business?

Maybe you'd call it a slaughterhouse.

Either way, you don't really want to wear an expensive linen suit into this environment. But what you always do want to do is tour a prospect's business.

It was disgusting, 15 foot long cow intestines hanging on walls. Other parts that I didn't want to know about hung or were stacked in coolers. And slippery floors everywhere. But at least the owner kept me off those surfaces.

And the smell? Okay, now I'm starting to recall the smell - revolting. I could have skipped that memory.

So I'm managing. And when I'm asked "do you want to see the meat lockers?" What to do? The answer is always yes. So in I go - high heels and all.

Everything is frozen, including me.

Stars! I'm looking at the ceiling and there are stars everywhere. This is kind of cool. Then I realize that I'm lying on my back and the stars are moving around because my head has just hit the floor, quite hard.

After that, all I remember is that the owner didn't want to move his money to my bank, and to bring flat shoes to wear around hazardous prospects. And I remember the lump was on my skull for about three weeks before it disappeared.

POSTMORTEM: What better badge of honor to wear in selling than combat wounds? Kathy was smart in her approach. Genuine interest in your prospect's lives can help you better understand their needs and desires. Do research online and ask great questions in person - in order to get a good picture of your prospect. This pre-selling effort could keep you from being frozen out of a new customer's life.


Reprinted with permission from Sales Horror Stories - A Funny, Yet Useful Ezine.